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There seems to be an eternal conflict between youth and parents.

Youth want freedom. They want to be able to make their own decisions,  pursue their own interests, be their own person! They want to break away from the limiting constraints of parental rules and be seen as equals, with full rights of self determination. They may not know it, but they want to join the ranks of adults without being tagged by the negative connotations this has for their peer groups.

Parents are protective. They love their children and feel responsible and under fire. They see their children in a dangerous world, and witness difficulties some face with a determination that “this will not happen on my watch”. Consequently they often grudgingly give freedom to their children.

The result is that youth feel they need to take that freedom. Frustrated by their own confidence and abilities being constrained by their parents worries, they begin to make their own decisions without permission. Many parents see this and cry “rebellion” seeing this behavior as an act of defiance and not a cry for acceptance. Their own fears of something bad happening “on their watch” increases, and they clamp down even more. This heightens the frustration of our youth, and the cycle deepens and the divide grows wider. Unfortunately, it often ends in a “not in my home” discussion where the youth leaves as the parent kicks them out.

How does this happen? How do we bridge the divide and accomplish what we all want – young adults with the ability to make good choices on their own, and freedom to make those good choices! Do youth really want to be left in the cold and dreary world without supportive help? Do parents want to push their children into the world without the ability to navigate its hazards?

FOR PARENTS – Youth take note!

A Muslim co-worker shared with me a perspective he learned from his faith tradition that seems to have merit to this discussion. He said his tradition teaches that for the first 7 years of a child’s life, the parents are servants. For the next 7 years, they are a mentor. After that, they must be a friend. It reflects a deliberate transition from one who serves, teaches, then supports the child. It nowhere makes the parent a “guardian” in the sense of one who sits on the wall and guards the prisoners inside. Rather, it makes the parent one whose entire aim is to invite the child into the community of adults, and to do so at an early age (about age 14).

Most societies have what is known as the “right of passage”. It is an event or accomplishment that can be identified by the community at large as a sign that the boy has passed on to become a man, or the girl has become a woman. It is the event that universally symbolizes the adoption of responsibility and accountability. It is usually celebrated in someway by the community, and marks the point in which the adults welcome the individual into their community.

For example, Jews have the Bar Mitzvah for boys and the Bat Mitzvah for girls and these celebrations Mark the transition to adulthood. In Panama, the Kuna Indian girls get a tattoo down their nose when they first menstruate, and are no longer considered a girl. Each society generally has such events, and they serve to let parents shift from being a guardian above to being someone with an arm around the shoulder, helping the youth succeed.

These types of events are absent from much of our culture. There is no “single” event that we point to early in the life of a teenager to indicate it is time for the behavior and attitude of adults to change and for youth to step up responsibly and join the community of adults. Youth can drive at 16, vote at 18, drink legally at 21. They are held in a lesser psychological position for a long time. In the LDS Church, young men get the priesthood at 12, but it is graduated by degrees until at 19 they serve a mission. This is often a large turning point for the community perception of the returning missionary, but they are often still seen as “young adults”. This can be perceived by some as a type of purgatory, where they are neither youth nor full adults. It is sometimes not until they are married that this stigma goes away. For our young women, there is nothing substantive to indicate they are “adults” until they are married.

Because our community does not provide a more definitive symbolic turning point except marriage or missions for when we change our perception and treatment of our youth, parents need to be more deliberate in their efforts to help them transition into adult peers by changing how they react to their children at an earlier age. Terms that worked when the children were younger like “because I said so” need to go by the wayside. It is a term used to shorten a discussion not deepen understanding. It is a “might makes right” position and reinforces a division. Rather, we need to sit beside them, not in front of them, and begin by listening. We need to talk through options, decisions, and consequences. We need to remove the air of compulsion, and leave the youth feeling that they will be supported in all their right decisions, and accountable for their wrong ones. We need to start letting the natural consequences be the sting, not our reactions.

This is an important but often difficult transition for parents. As you will discover, youth will start making their own decisions, if only to prove that they can! You will not stop it. You cannot control it. You can fight it and end up like I describe above, or you can recognize it and preserve your influence. You can make symbolic but real gestures to your children that indicate your trust in them. For me, I let my boys drive my new truck WITHOUT ME IN IT around a duck club I owned when they were 9 and 12 respectively. They bragged about it for weeks, and I am sure had them think of me a bit differently. As teenagers, we let our children go places with cousins or friends without us, often as overnight or week long excursions. Obviously adults were around, but they flew on their own, had their own pocket money, and a sense of freedom.

We involve our children in financial decisions, such as buying a car, or deciding on a vacation. We inform them of our financial situations, and even have them help us sort and pay the bills! We have them join us when doing adult things, like helping someone who is sick, or going to fix a friend’s car. We involve them in significant events, and use these to help us transition in our relationships. When tragedy strikes or someone we know struggles, we involve them in the conversation. When I am frustrated at work, I share my situation with my children, asking them for advice. The result is that our children do not see us as guardians on the wall, but people they want to become. We are not the enemy, we are the goal! They come to us when something happens that demands a moral decision. For example my 13 year old son found beer at an activity with non-members, and he came to me asking what he should have done. Could I ask for a better opportunity to keep him on the right path? My first words were “I don’t know. What do you think?” I listened. This let me know where he was, and as a mentor, I could give him advice on how to adjust his thinking.

The risk parents take during this trans-formative period is that they either push their children away to the point they have no influence, or they let their children fall on their own faces. The fact is, either way they will eventually fall, as that is how they gain experience which leads to wisdom. The difference is that in one circumstance there will be a relationship of trust that will let the youth turn to parents for help. In the other, they will hide their mistakes and persist in their independence if only to make a point. As my father once advised me, “The hardest thing you will ever do as a parent is watch your children fall down, knowing it is going to happen”. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.

So parents, listen, advise, support, and warn. But please, don’t be the wedge between you and a child that wants your acceptance. Maintain your influence by decidedly letting go of your control. It may feel unnatural, but it is necessary!

In my next blog post, I will discuss how youth can play an active role in their own transition in a way that speeds their independence and increases their success in life.

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FRG needs more writers, regardless of age, who are interested in writing a guest post for us, so if you have a message to share you may submit a sample of your words to us via our web form at http://youth.fairlds.org/contact.php.  Chances are good that we’ll like what you have to say and set you up as a guest blogger on our site.